The Endeavoring

March 23, 2022

The Endeavoring

Welcome to season 2!

Well, two months into it at least.

Let's cover some of the highlights so far.

When I came back in January, there was another houseparent in control of the house. She is a Bolivian, so she knows the culture and language much better than I do. The kids respect her more for that, and she doesnt let them get away with much. The first few weeks were vacations for them, until school started in February. A few of the older girls were staying with us until other housing situations could be settled (they try to keep the older and younger girls separate, because the age difference causes a lot of dissonance in the house). I had a really hard time with one older girl in particular. When I left on vacation a month prior, she was sweet and pretty much kept to herself. But when I came back in January, she was bossing around the little kids like nobody’s business. In fact, to a point I was uncomfortable with. She was the strictest, harshest person I had ever seen on the campus. The little children obeyed her, but only out of fear. The girl was also screened for depression, bipolar disorder, and possibly schizophrenia. You did not want to get on her bad side. But guess what, I did.

I knew that she would be leaving to go to a boarding school in a few weeks, so I tried to wait it out. I didn’t want to cause any drama. But she could tell that I disapproved of everything she was doing. One time she screamed at a kid and punished a kid just for moving during worship. She had zero patience for anything other than perfect obedience. But kids are kids–they’ll cry, and whine, and disobey. If they didn’t, parenting wouldn’t be as hard as it is. The houseparent let her help with the little kids, because there were so many of them, and they are a lot of work. To be fair, she kept them all in line, and barely left any work to do. It wasn't like I didn’t want to help, but whenever there was a situation with the kids, she would just take control. She literally was tearing away my authority. It was also something she was probably doing to keep her busy and away from the dark mental places in her mind. But it felt wrong to me. It felt like that by taking care of these kids, she was using them to just keep her busy. A project, I guess. There was hardly any love. Just telling little kids to suck it up when they accidentally hurt themselves or they’ll get an even harsher punishment. I couldn’t bear it any longer.

Right when I was fed up with her actions, she actually came up to me and talked about it. She said “I can tell you don’t like what I’m doing.” And I told her why. She thought I was incapable of handling the children because I was too nice, but I argued that you could be firm and loving at the same time. She proposed, “Well then, tomorrow, when the main houseparent is gone on her day off, I’ll leave you completely alone with the kids, I won’t interfere.” “Great, let's see then.” I told her.

So the next day, guess what. Just like I had the last three months, I was able to completely handle all the other kids by myself. It is a lot of work, but I am capable. More than capable. But she was giving me sass all day. Ignoring me, talking behind my back to the kids that liked me, being disrespectful. Halfway through, she couldn't keep away any longer and tried to take back control of the house. But I was fed up with it. So when there was a quarrel between some of the younger kids, I told her to leave it to me to handle. But she wouldn’t. I literally had to tear a kid away from her grasp. She met me outside and we had a very heated argument for about an hour. I told her that the way she was treating these kids was very hurtful, and would cause psychological scars for them in the future (I've taken a couple courses in psychology and adolescence in university). Her response?

“I dont care.”

It was a very intense moment for me. I’ve spent a whole school year away from my regular life to serve this community. To be a source of love to those who have been shown none. And to see a person caring for children without any care for them? It was almost incomprehensible. Our faces were both red from anger. I’ll spare the details, but at the end, I basically told her to stay away from the little kids, or I would get the other leaders involved. She had no authority as a 15 year old student to be giving out punishments as she was doing.

After we had cooled off a little bit, she followed me into the kitchen and helped me make dinner. We had a conversation after that and prayed about everything together, which made things feel a little less tense. But I could still feel that something was off. For a bit, I even believed she might be demon-possessed, which threw me for a big spiritual awakening. The rest of her time here, she ignored me, gossiped about me, tried to emotionally hurt me, and played favorites with the teachers. I was really tired of it. The last few days though, she kind of warmed up to me. She started braiding my hair, and asking if I could accompany her to her boarding school… It was a really strange time. The last night she was there, she handed me a single note, the first one in weeks. It’s a striking contrast from the beginning, when I got cute, heart filled notes from her every other day. On this last note, it read “Thanks for everything, the good times and the bad.” It was at this moment when my heart finally felt closure. This chapter had been a very trying one, but I feel like I learned a lot.

After this, school started shortly the next week. I am now a full time teacher. I teach 6 girls in the 5th and 6th grade. I am super excited about this year, as it is the first time that we have standardized curriculum. Before, it was up to the teacher to prepare all the content and materials necessary to teach. But now we have hundreds of books for the children to use, thanks to the director’s parents who brought them when they moved down here. It’s super awesome, and it has been a huge help.

I don’t think I’m meant to be a teacher in my future, but I have been enjoying teaching so far! It’s the most rewarding thing to see a child learn. To see a kid’s brain finally “click.” For example, I am teaching a younger girl in my class some lower math things. She got to a part in the book that was talking about rounding. All the textbooks are in Spanish except for math, so I really have to utilize my spanish to explain things. I’m not always sure I get the message through, but it’s not for lack of trying. She was obviously very confused, and had never heard of it before. I invited her up to the board with me (something I do for every kid who I’m trying to teach individually; there’s a bench up there where we can sit apart from the class, so it feels like tutoring). I did my best to explain it for about 10 minutes, until she said “ok, I guess I understand a little…” and went back to her seat to try it out, with a little more help, she flew through the pages in her book, and exclaimed “Oh! Now I understand!” It was one of the most satisfying things I’ve done here as a teacher.

I still teach art classes, but now it’s for all the grades 1-10, and only on fridays. We also have regular meetings for fundraising in the afternoon, and because I’m a full time teacher now (every day 8-12), I get two afternoons off instead of just one full day. So I feel like I’m never in the house anymore. The kids complain about me never being home. I feel pretty bad. Especially because handling 13 kids by yourself is really hard for the single houseparent. We’re trying to arrange a better schedule, but the bottom line is still this–we are short staffed. Soon, all the student missionaries will be leaving in May, and they will have quite a hole during the summer months until the new SM’s come in August. If you happen to know of anyone who would be willing to come down here and help, I guarantee you that they will need it.

My time here is getting shorter and shorter. It doesn’t feel like it’s been seven months. It’s been a lot of ups and downs, a lot of funny and sad moments. A lot of connection. A lot of learning.

I have a broken bathroom, so right now I have to shower out of a hose and share a toilet with sixteen other kids. My legs have had a continuous speckling of red, itchy bug bites. The heat and humidity is so thick it feels like you're being smothered. But even though it’s sticky, and dirty, and grubby, it’s in this mess that you find the most precious things. It's the moments in between. The times where you get to deal with the screaming child, the whining teenager, the manipulative ten-year-old. I think that's what love is. Getting to deal with all the in-betweens and gray areas and tough parts. Because loving was never meant to be easy. It’s not just roses and heart-eyes. It’s also hard work. You gotta get in there, roll up your sleeves, and get your hands dirty. But it's the hard work that lets them know that you care enough to stay. That they’re worth it.

“We love because He first loved us.”

1 John 4:19

Thanks for reading,

Kristen :)